I remember
I remember
You
Me
So long ago
On New Year’s Eve.

A lifetime ago it seems
But I remember every minute
Oh so clearly.
I had a burn on my arm
from the lab’s liquid nitrogen.
But by the end of the night
it all felt right again.
We danced and kissed
There was magic in the air
On the verge of something amazing,
Something rare.
We wore tacky gold hats
and before long I was falling,
just like that.
You walked me home
Arm around me
Shielding me from the cold.
Your lips on mine
My head was spinning
Little did I know
It was just the beginning.

But as the months wore on
something in you changed.
Something
was terribly wrong.
You were not who I thought you were
The man from New Year’s Eve
Was all a blur
As the monster within you
Began to emerge.

You may have called me a princess
But I never felt like one
Not when you pushed me down the steps
Or hurt me when you were drunk
Not when you grabbed me and made me scream
Or when your roommate had to tackle you
And I fell to my knees.

I don’t know where you are tonight
or what you are thinking.
But I hope you remember everything
And I hope that it tears you apart
so maybe you’ll see
what you did to my heart.
You wanted to start again
but you couldn’t do it.
And in the end,
you simply blew it.
You could’ve had it all
but you threw it away
And no, it wasn’t my fault
This time, I will not take the blame.

As you once told me,
Sometimes
The reward is not worth the cost.
And this New Year’s Eve,
I hope you realize what you lost.

 

New Year’s Eve is a bittersweet holiday for me.  Two years ago this New Year’s Eve was my first date with my ex-abuser. The day that everything changed. Somehow it feels like so much time has passed, and yet still feels like it was just yesterday.

I wrote the poem above one year ago, when this holiday was a reminder of how much pain I was still in, a reminder that my abuser was still stalking me and putting me through hell. But this year is different. This year, it is a symbol of how far I have come since that New Year’s Eve 2 years ago. I broke away from him, despite the chains he put in; I never contacted him once despite his many attempts to stalk me; and I managed to get a graduate degree in neuroscience in the meantime, with him working in a lab just 3 floors below me. But most importantly, I started speaking up and telling my story.

I have no idea where he is tonight or what is going through his mind. But I guess it doesn’t really matter any more. Because in spite of how hard he tried, he did not break me. I found a light buried deep within all the darkness he created, and that light is growing stronger every day.

Happy New Year ❤

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